DiSaPpOinTed...

Dear Boo,

It's really disappointing to come home after a long day at work only to find yourself being scowled at. Sometimes I really do wish that people understand that my coming home late is no longer a choice. It's a requirement. I have responsibilities and commitments. I really don't see the point of such hostility. The only thing it achieves is heartache.

I need a hug!

Bless...

~ShaZ~

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tHiS aNd ThaT...

Dear Boo,

1. The cough is getting really bad. It doesn’t come as a surprise though. My cough always gets bad.

2. They progress on the monitoring system is not apparent. I can’t help that. There’s too much background work that I need to sort out first. The target is to get it up next week!

3. The end of 2011 is approaching. It doesn’t feel like a year has passed. Life has improved a bit and for that I am thankful.

4. PhD is the path that I have decided for myself. I am going to see this through. I need to get the MyBrain application matters sorted out. With that scholarship I’d get some breathing space. I don’t really see how it’d fit into the space though. But I see the direction so I guess it’s good enough for the moment. As AAR always puts it, “you can’t be perfect all the time!”

5. I am still obsessed with pictures of Adam Phebus!

... obessed!

Bless...

~ShaZ~

cRuNcH TiMe...

Hey Boo,

Sorry for the long lapse time… I am not as disciplined as I used to be. I have to admit, I am not so proliferate too these days. It saddens me really… sometimes the things you want is just not streamlined to the things that you need to do.

I have neglected you... my facebook, twitter, google+ and even foursquare. I don’t know if could actually say that this was a trade-off for a more productive phase of my life. But rest assured, I have progressed a little. I used to ask myself “what have I got to show for myself... ?” But now, at least I could say that I saw it through. In regards to my master degree anyways.

The diet program however did went to hell... I know it, but I can’t help it. Not now anyways. Excuses… I know this but I just can’t help it. For now... I have got quite a few tasks on my plate. PhD, career, and embarrassingly... physique. These should keep me busy for the next three years.

crunch time is now!

Signing off…

Bless.

~ShaZ~

wRiTe sOmEtHinG iN tHe moRNiNg...

Hey Boo,

Let’s start today’s post in the morning for a change.

1. Yesterday was almost a complete waste. I made very little progress on Chapter 2. Even though the idea was there, opportunity to sit quietly and calmly in front of my notebook decided to be scarce. How funny life turns out to be sometimes. But it’s okay. Today is another day, and we have decided not to give up. Yet!

2. I dreamt that I met meanie last night. And we had a conversation. I am having mixed feelings about this but I feel good... closure, after all, is not always putting things a box and storing it in the attic... maybe I don’t want to forget. How about that huh?

3. Apparently, the little drama in DOE is not over. Well, it doesn’t concern me much. I am just taking notice because of my private FB invasion earlier. I should go by don’t know don’t care with this one.

4. I am going to Bangkok next week. I plan to spoil myself rotten there. The mission now is to conclude this damned thesis before I fly...

I have many plans to spoil myself rotten!

5. Business seems to be catching up. Which is a good thing because no matter how much I like lazing about at home doing whatever I like, one needs money to get by on this earth. Closed a few deals. Alhamdulillah.

6. I have more friends connected to me virtually than in real life. Is this healthy? Well, I guess it’s because I don’t go out much. I am happy to be finally connected to Ahmad Fairuz, Nellisa Hilman, Aznatasya and Sasha again. How I miss talking with them.

7. I have the mind of a bitch. Every time I start to work (on my thesis especially) and someone or something interrupts me. My mind automatically switches to the “I am a victim in all this” mode. This is selfish, I know it is. I can’t help it. At least by knowing I can refrain myself from acting on it. Silence in this case is best!

8. I feel smothered sometimes. It would not be appropriate to talk about losing freedom because of responsibilities as a father, as a husband, as a son, as a brother and as a student. I know this but I can’t help but miss the times of freedom that I had. Perhaps everyone feels this way. I don’t know. I love my family too much. So it’s fine. It’s an emotional investment that I am considering as profitable. This is contradicting and it doesn’t make sense. But hey... what does?!

Bless...

~ShaZ

yOu GiVe aNd hUrT!

Hey Boo,

History has a funny way of repeating itself... the players are different, the plot may be a bit different... but in the end the whole story line is just the SAME!!! Well... this bitch just doesn’t seem to learn. That’s my problem... I get attached to quickly... far too quickly for many. I guess it’s like putting a relationship on steroids lah I guess... it will flourish at first but after that just thwart and die... or worst still, jump back up all mutated and bites you right in the ASS or stab you in the neck!

So this is my story...

I have this funny habit of getting attached to people... especially those I am stuck with for long periods of time. Most of the time I try to keep to myself but at times you just give way... what the heck... you say... then you start to care! This is the biggest mistake! Don’t care! Never ever care! If you don’t care you don’t get hurt. It’s simple really... doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out... but saying it is one thing. Most of the time you heart is too stupid to know better... and you care... for the love of god you care...

then there’s this other problem...

when you care... you give... you give with all your heart. You share thoughts. You give and give and give... but sometimes, what you give is misunderstood... misinterpreted... you are accused of this horrible horrible horrible HORRIBLE thing... and it is entirely untrue. Which is why is hurts... and because you care, it hurts so much more.

So much much more.

This is the second time in the past two months this has happened... perhaps it is not them... perhaps it is ME... I don’t know... but logic tells you that everyone else cannot be wrong.
Still it hurts!

Damn right it hurts!

And it gets worse... yes it really does!

When I look back... all those things I did... those things I gave... they were all WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! So wrong in so many ways...
So now I have to let go... no matter how painful it is... I am working hard... to let go... to forget!

This probably means nothing to all of you out there... but to me it’s a lesson... a very important one.

Beri pada yang minta...
Manja pada yang saying...
Minta pada yang ada...


Bless...

ShaZ