rEmiNiScE

Hey Boo,
It’s been a difficult month for me. Deadlines and promises really do catch up to you somehow... whether you like it or not. Funny how life has all this surprises installed for you. The things that you least expected sometimes just pops up. Well… I am sure it’d be pretty boring otherwise eh?! Hmmm…
The meanie ordeal is unfortunately still haunting me. Somehow a day is not complete; a blog post is not complete; unless I put meanie into the equation. I don’t understand my obsession to torture myself over this but I just can’t help myself. I have found out that meanie still hates me though. I constantly still ask myself where I went wrong or what I could’ve done differently…
...

MiSeRy...

Dear Boo,
Terengganu turned out to be very pleasant. It turned out the wedding wasn’t the main event after all. The whole trip... the time in the car, the food adventure, the hotel room, the sleep over at Tok Su’s, and the drive back... was something I really needed. I am glad I went along for the trip. When Aziz called on Saturday asking if we could meet on Sunday I was a little disappointed that we had to leave so quickly. But then again it was like I expect to be disappointed so I wasn’t really bothered too much by it...
That’s how I am taking life day by day for now... I just accept... just do as I am told... just do as per requested...
I know it sounds miserable and all but actually it is quite alright. I mean just saying yes to everything is much easier. I mean if meanie thinks that I am the worst possible being to ever exist on earth; there must be something wrong right? I must’ve been pretty awful right?! So the least I could do is accommodate wherever and whenever possible. Perhaps then I will not be such an awful person to be around... *sigh*
I really don’t understand why I am still clinging to this... it has been months now... there’s plenty to keep my mind busy but somehow I can’t keep it out of my head for more than a day at a time... it is like a malignant cancer that keeps coming back... I really hope that I can just walk away from all this... go to Europe... Mallorca as Salam suggested... but there’s so much things to do... so many commitments...

I miss...


... memories

This is really becoming an obsession... an obsession to make my life miserable...
Well... at least I have some theories on the problem... we’ll take another day to work on this...
Bless...
~ShaZ

diSTrAcTiOnS

Hey Boo,
It’s funny how when your mind is busy with work all the pain is taken away. It acts like anesthetics for the aches in your heart I suppose. Honestly, I could really use the distractions. How sick is that? I need someone to distract me from all my distractions… how’s that for being sick in the head eh?!
I will be driving back to Terengganu for a wedding for the weekend. I am looking forward to this particular distraction.
Bless...
~ShaZ

nEw mE pRoJecT... aDDiTiOnS...

Dear Boo,

Maybe I should focus on losing weight... that’ll take my mind off things for a moment... have been feeling a little heavy lately...

Bless...

~ShaZ

rUnAwAy...

Dear Boo,

 

My last post was on the 8th of March... the day after God bestowed me with a lovely baby girl. I have been fairly busy with many things since then. Keeping myself busy on purpose.... lest I go insane. The heart is a fragile thing I have come to learn. It is also stubborn at most of the time I could swear has a mind of its own. I always say We can’t help how we feel... but how we act upon our feelings is who we really are. I don’t believe that God will punish us for how we feel. I mean we don’t decide how and what we feel. We can just react to them... and when it comes to matters of the heart, we tend to act more foolishly.

 

Sometimes... most of the times lately... I feel that I could just curl up to one corner and vanish into nothingness... that’s it! the end of raja shazrin... one less bitch in this world....

 

why am I trapped?!

 

Mr. kaz said something to me yesterday... it wasn’t like me to pry... but I did... I couldn’t help it... I asked... about meanie. I regretted it... but I haven’t been able to sleep... I had this nightmare that meanie was staring at me and scolding me... *sobs*

 

The rule was simple: Manja pada yang Sayang

 

Easier said than done apparently...

 

So... what do I do? I run away... as far as I can...

 

Of chances and what could have been...

 

Dear meanie,

 

I know you must really hate me... but I am not a perfect person. There’s many things that I wish I didn’t do. But still I continue learning. Never ever did I mean to do those things to you. I should’ve said before I left... I want you to know... I’ve found out a reason for me. I want to change who I used to be... who I am... a reason to start over... and the reason is you... yes... you...

 

I am sorry if I hurt you... it’s the most painful thing that I’ve had to live with everyday... and all the pain and ache that I put you through... I’d do anything to take it all away. I’d do anything to make you feel better.

 

If I were given the chance... I’d show you that I care... a side of me you didn’t know... and a the reason for all that I do... it’s you.

 

 

 

Sometimes... most of the times... I hate myself...

 

I’d rather look at my back

 

It’s been a while since I’ve look in the mirror... I don’t think I ever will again...

 

It’s my fault...

 

Serves me right...

 

Bless...

 

~ShaZ

 

HiSTorY...

Dear Boo & MSO,

Today, 7th March 2009 at 8:46am... I became a father to a lovely princess...

I am blessed by God with all the best things in life...

Bless...

~ShaZ

HoNg KoNg bLuEs...

Hey Boo & MSO,

It’s my fourth day here in Hong Kong and the last time I saw the sun shine was minutes before touchdown in Hong Kong International Airport. It was and is still like the whole place was shrouded with white cloud. Visibility is not so good too. It is so misty and hazy I could barely see past the harbour. Hmmm... the temperature is a nice 18 degrees thought. Cool enough not to make you sweat but warm enough so you don’t have to put on a jacket. I could get used to this...



MSO,

For some reason I can’t get meanie out of my mind. I was lying in bed yesterday and *BAM*... meanie... it was instinctively that I grabbed my P1i and started browsing on memories of meanie... for the first time in five months I am finally able to look at meanie and smile...

I miss meanie...

Then something hadn’t expected happened. I missed my wife... I miss our one sided arguments... I missed being with someone... I miss MSO... I miss SI...

Maybe... just maybe... the loneliness puts out the anger... just like love cancels hate... I don’t know. It’s silly. But like many times before I feel like I am ready to move on again.

One day at a time then bitch... way to go bitch boy!

About acceptance and about lying to oneself...

Dear meanie,

If I had another chance to answer... I’d say I don’t know... I’d say I really truly honestly don’t know... I’d say I meant no harm... I meant not any discomfort... I meant not any spite... and I hadn’t meant to care so much. I’d say I was stupid... I’d say I was foolish... I’d say I was selfish... I’d say I unknowingly took advantage... I’d say please don’t hate me... I’d say give me a second chance...

But I didn’t...

I said sorry instead.... I said sorry... I was... I am... but I wasn’t just that... I am not just that... I don’t know anymore... I don’t.

This doesn’t mean anything...

I am sorry... for everything... I am sorry for me... I am sorry for honesty...

Yours,
*X*x*x*X*

That’s it...

Bless...

~ShaZ

sCrEaM

Hey Boo & MSO,

The past few days have been very hectic. I have been caught up with errands and bills and all things that have got nothing to do with getting my thesis done. Which is sad really; because as it has been in the past, these things that take up much of my time does not really help me much... especially so when it comes to the matter of getting my thesis done. *sigh* I don’t see why I am complaining here now when it is clear that these things that I am complaining about is as a matter of fact a necessity. Ramblings... now there’s a reason.

Today I had lunch with Luqman. I was on the cross trainer when he called asking if I could join him for lunch. I jumped at the invitation as I was am in dire need of some company. For some weird reason the plentiful company that I already have doesn’t suffice. Boy what a bitch I have grown to be... I guess the type of company matters too. This meanie issue also knocks me out of balance. *sigh* You know I haven’t sighed this much in a long time. I guess I am the type to cling and dwell on something. I just can’t seem to let go.


sometimes I feel like screaming...

I don’t know what else to write...

I guess I’ll just quit when I am ahead and say Good night

Bless...

~ShaZ

wHeRe's mY sHouLdEr tO cRy oN?!

Hey Boo,

Today was a horrible day for me... hangs on... it’s 2 am already... well... yesterday then...

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I was taught a lesson: no matter how much you tell yourself you’re not going to care, you just can’t help it if you do. You can’t help how you feel... nor can control how your body reacts... or even how you react for that matter.

I thought it’d just be like any other day for me at the Department. I had purposely driven up to the Department because they started implementing the access card system at the parking block. I didn’t see the point of paying RM50 for what few days in the semester we have left. Anyway, as usual I had these little errands that just pops up in the Lab. So I saw to them one by one. It started out as a good day really... aside from the traffic being really bad it wasn’t a bad start at all.

And then there was X... henceforth known as meanie

At the very sight my body started to have this reaction... it was a mixture of stomach butterflies, anger, sadness, shivers and hope all stirred up which resulted into an immediate stiffness of the body which ultimately translates into a blue-red-flushed-faced robot-like-walking lil’ ole’ me... I cursed myself afterward for having behaved like that; even though it wasn’t voluntary at all.
So that was the end of what might have turned out to be a good day. I was forcibly switched into zombie mode. Well, I kept busy all day to distract myself. I had no one to turn to... no one to talk to... no shoulder to cry on...


... where’s my shoulder to cry on?!

Then came MSO... my sweet dear MSO... well I did see SI first. But SI made it clear he’d have none of this nonsense from me for someone something so f0ckingly worthless. So MSO is basically my symbol of hope when it comes to emotional blunders. MSO would say ”... do it for me...” and for some reason I found it easier to focus and cling on to something for MSO than for me... I can’t do it for me... I don’t know why... or maybe I do... I guess maybe I am just not worth it to me... Yeah... that’s probably the reason...

OMG it’s 3 am already... I should go to bed... got an appointment with Nora tomorrow... my new PT.

Maybe I can hope for a better day tomorrow. Oh dear God give me strength...

Bless...

~ShaZ

iNsPiRaTioN...

MSO has inspired me to write again... dear sweet MSO...

wHy oH wHy?

Hey Boo,

Today turned out quite well for me... I managed to haul myself to the gym and managed to get some work done afterward...

I met my Personal Trainer to be... Nora... she’s young but easy to get along with... they all are actually... but I am going to give it a go anyways... I really do need to lose those pounds... today I weighed 86kgs! Or at least that’s what the scale shows. Much work to be done... enough said.



much much much work to be done...

...

...

...

Hmmmm...

...

You know something Boo...?!

These past few days I can’t get my mind of X... everything I see that reminds me of X stresses me out... as if the thought of X drains me of my energy. I know it’s happening... but I just don’t know why...

Why me?

Why now?

Why ever?

Why does it affect me so?

I am doing that talking to myself thing again Boo... I was telling myself yesterday how stupid I was for letting this happen... for thinking too much of it... of X... this is wrong... so wrong... I should stop!

...

Damn I could use a venti hazelnut hot chocolate now... damn X...



Why? Why? Why? Oh why do I feel like I don’t want to be free from X...


Maybe it’s the damned I care problem...

I should stop... yeah you probably should bitch...

Bless...

~ShaZ

PiCKinG uP wHeRe yOu LeFt oFF...

Hey Boo,

Picking up where you left off is not so easy... especially with blogging... you just don’t keep the pace if you don’t practice. I remember that I used to be able to cough out a post every single day... and I just wrote about nothing... about everything... but now... it’s just becoming more and more difficult... but some people say that old habits die hard... so I guess I’ll cling on to that. After all it just requires practice.

You know what..?! This is exactly how it is with my thesis as well... you know when I get started it becomes easier... but getting started... well... getting started is always a bitch...

And the bitch gets bigger and bigger each day... and before you realise it you’re already in deep shit trouble! You wake up feeling confused and angry; and stupid; and all things not nice.



Damn it! Where did I go wrong?! Why had I left writing my thesis pending too long... why didn’t I prioritise? Why? Why? Why?

*sigh*

So...

My baby is coming... Faridah is due next month. The doctor says it will be some time around 14th March; but her feet is often swollen and stuff which is a sign that it is close I was told; so I guess we could expect anything at this point in time. Well... at least the shopping part is done and over. So as far as requisites in terms of supplies I am somewhat ready. Although I need to get the baby cot out of the storeroom so I could air out the thing... mentally I am taking this one day at a time... excited... but one day at a time I keep telling myself. I am still trying to get used to husband-hood and now I have to get into father-hood pulak... one day at a time...

Well... on another note. She’s still nagging me every day to get our own place... I don’t understand why is it so difficult for her to understand my situation... or her refusal to understand. I guess when I told her to dream on she thought I was kidding... but I don’t understand why and don’t know how much more I could actually take... much more I suppose... but sometimes... I ask myself “what did I ever do to have to (take it)”... I shouldn’t say anymore... *sigh*

Bless...

~ShaZ

FaCeBooK

Hey Boo,

I have just added this blog to the notes function on FB... Evidently all my posts will appear on my profile on FB... the import was smooth and easy... all I had to do was key in the URL and all my previous posts were imported onto the notes function... easy peasy... the only thing is... do I really want this much exposure...?! Another point worth mentioning is: there is NO undo function! Haha...

So, the first thing that comes to mind was: OMG, there goes my privacy...

Then, I thought: Who the hell will bother with my lengthy and boring posts..?!

No one... that’s who... so all in all I guess it’s not that bad.

... relieved...



Maybe this will give me some motivation to pick up blogging again... I also need to look into recovering my old posts lost to that WordPress ordeal...

Bless...

~ShaZ

nEw mE pRoJecT!!!

Hey boo,

I hereby launch the NEW ME PROJECT...!

Current status...



and the target...



hehe

I know... I know.... but one can dream...

Bless...

~ShaZ

yOu GiVe aNd hUrT!

Hey Boo,

History has a funny way of repeating itself... the players are different, the plot may be a bit different... but in the end the whole story line is just the SAME!!! Well... this bitch just doesn’t seem to learn. That’s my problem... I get attached to quickly... far too quickly for many. I guess it’s like putting a relationship on steroids lah I guess... it will flourish at first but after that just thwart and die... or worst still, jump back up all mutated and bites you right in the ASS or stab you in the neck!

So this is my story...

I have this funny habit of getting attached to people... especially those I am stuck with for long periods of time. Most of the time I try to keep to myself but at times you just give way... what the heck... you say... then you start to care! This is the biggest mistake! Don’t care! Never ever care! If you don’t care you don’t get hurt. It’s simple really... doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out... but saying it is one thing. Most of the time you heart is too stupid to know better... and you care... for the love of god you care...

then there’s this other problem...

when you care... you give... you give with all your heart. You share thoughts. You give and give and give... but sometimes, what you give is misunderstood... misinterpreted... you are accused of this horrible horrible horrible HORRIBLE thing... and it is entirely untrue. Which is why is hurts... and because you care, it hurts so much more.

So much much more.

This is the second time in the past two months this has happened... perhaps it is not them... perhaps it is ME... I don’t know... but logic tells you that everyone else cannot be wrong.
Still it hurts!

Damn right it hurts!

And it gets worse... yes it really does!

When I look back... all those things I did... those things I gave... they were all WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! So wrong in so many ways...
So now I have to let go... no matter how painful it is... I am working hard... to let go... to forget!

This probably means nothing to all of you out there... but to me it’s a lesson... a very important one.

Beri pada yang minta...
Manja pada yang saying...
Minta pada yang ada...


Bless...

ShaZ

NuMa NuMa

Hey Boo,

something to cheer us up...

a NeW dAy hAs cOmE...

Boo,

It's been a while since I have posted anything... a whole lot has happened... I guess that ordeal with WordPress put me off... such a let down... two years worth of posts... all down the drain. In a way I guess it's like being able to erase those time from my memories. Although not all were bad. In fact, looking back now... I haven't much to complain for... not much at all.

So...

Updates...

Well... let's start from November 07'

I got engaged on the 11th November 2007. A few weeks after the loss of my late brother in law to liver cancer.

I quit UM at the end of March 2008 and joined Solution Engineering Sdn Bhd in April 2008... after a month I decided it wasn't the job for me and I left to rejoin UM as Prof. Nik's research assistant. After a month.... I decided that wasn't for me (yep... again!) what a bitch I turned out to be ... and now here I am... unemployed... but I am happy... and fat... but that's another issue.

My thesis... now that's an issue... yeah bitch!!!
Well... since then... I have made progress... not............!!!!! How do I put it... I am not more now than I was right after I graduated... aside from being fat and older...

Well... I guess life has a funny way of progressing...

I guess this is a good start towards a new beginning... may there be many many many posts to come...

In the meantime... gawk at this...




Amen...

ShaZ

Back here?!

Hey boo,

At this point I can say I've finally given up on reviving my previous Wordpress blog. It's just useless... I know I'd just be attacked by some spambot again. I hate the fact that I'd be losing about a year's worth of posts. But losing a year is better than losing everything I guess.

Bless...

I've MoVeD...

Hey all,
I know it's a little late to be announcing... but I've moved my blog HERE

cOuRtiNg diSasTeR...

Hey boo,
I just know I am courting disaster at work by taking up too many things... well, actually it's not too many but with my lack of progress anything more can't be a good thing... but I am thinking 'some people work better under pressure' and I figured a little more could give me that little pressure I need... to get some action finally...
So, I enrolled myself on an online Masters level course from DTU (Netherlands) on Environmental Management... Today was my first day, having an online class... quite the experience... this is how my classroom looks like.

the class left for lunch and I need something to eat too... you can see the lecturer there...
Gosh I have so much to b*tch about lately... but so little time to do it...
maybe tomorrow... hehehe
Bless...