rUnAwAy...

Dear Boo,

 

My last post was on the 8th of March... the day after God bestowed me with a lovely baby girl. I have been fairly busy with many things since then. Keeping myself busy on purpose.... lest I go insane. The heart is a fragile thing I have come to learn. It is also stubborn at most of the time I could swear has a mind of its own. I always say We can’t help how we feel... but how we act upon our feelings is who we really are. I don’t believe that God will punish us for how we feel. I mean we don’t decide how and what we feel. We can just react to them... and when it comes to matters of the heart, we tend to act more foolishly.

 

Sometimes... most of the times lately... I feel that I could just curl up to one corner and vanish into nothingness... that’s it! the end of raja shazrin... one less bitch in this world....

 

why am I trapped?!

 

Mr. kaz said something to me yesterday... it wasn’t like me to pry... but I did... I couldn’t help it... I asked... about meanie. I regretted it... but I haven’t been able to sleep... I had this nightmare that meanie was staring at me and scolding me... *sobs*

 

The rule was simple: Manja pada yang Sayang

 

Easier said than done apparently...

 

So... what do I do? I run away... as far as I can...

 

Of chances and what could have been...

 

Dear meanie,

 

I know you must really hate me... but I am not a perfect person. There’s many things that I wish I didn’t do. But still I continue learning. Never ever did I mean to do those things to you. I should’ve said before I left... I want you to know... I’ve found out a reason for me. I want to change who I used to be... who I am... a reason to start over... and the reason is you... yes... you...

 

I am sorry if I hurt you... it’s the most painful thing that I’ve had to live with everyday... and all the pain and ache that I put you through... I’d do anything to take it all away. I’d do anything to make you feel better.

 

If I were given the chance... I’d show you that I care... a side of me you didn’t know... and a the reason for all that I do... it’s you.

 

 

 

Sometimes... most of the times... I hate myself...

 

I’d rather look at my back

 

It’s been a while since I’ve look in the mirror... I don’t think I ever will again...

 

It’s my fault...

 

Serves me right...

 

Bless...

 

~ShaZ

 

HiSTorY...

Dear Boo & MSO,

Today, 7th March 2009 at 8:46am... I became a father to a lovely princess...

I am blessed by God with all the best things in life...

Bless...

~ShaZ

HoNg KoNg bLuEs...

Hey Boo & MSO,

It’s my fourth day here in Hong Kong and the last time I saw the sun shine was minutes before touchdown in Hong Kong International Airport. It was and is still like the whole place was shrouded with white cloud. Visibility is not so good too. It is so misty and hazy I could barely see past the harbour. Hmmm... the temperature is a nice 18 degrees thought. Cool enough not to make you sweat but warm enough so you don’t have to put on a jacket. I could get used to this...



MSO,

For some reason I can’t get meanie out of my mind. I was lying in bed yesterday and *BAM*... meanie... it was instinctively that I grabbed my P1i and started browsing on memories of meanie... for the first time in five months I am finally able to look at meanie and smile...

I miss meanie...

Then something hadn’t expected happened. I missed my wife... I miss our one sided arguments... I missed being with someone... I miss MSO... I miss SI...

Maybe... just maybe... the loneliness puts out the anger... just like love cancels hate... I don’t know. It’s silly. But like many times before I feel like I am ready to move on again.

One day at a time then bitch... way to go bitch boy!

About acceptance and about lying to oneself...

Dear meanie,

If I had another chance to answer... I’d say I don’t know... I’d say I really truly honestly don’t know... I’d say I meant no harm... I meant not any discomfort... I meant not any spite... and I hadn’t meant to care so much. I’d say I was stupid... I’d say I was foolish... I’d say I was selfish... I’d say I unknowingly took advantage... I’d say please don’t hate me... I’d say give me a second chance...

But I didn’t...

I said sorry instead.... I said sorry... I was... I am... but I wasn’t just that... I am not just that... I don’t know anymore... I don’t.

This doesn’t mean anything...

I am sorry... for everything... I am sorry for me... I am sorry for honesty...

Yours,
*X*x*x*X*

That’s it...

Bless...

~ShaZ