sCrEaM

Hey Boo & MSO,

The past few days have been very hectic. I have been caught up with errands and bills and all things that have got nothing to do with getting my thesis done. Which is sad really; because as it has been in the past, these things that take up much of my time does not really help me much... especially so when it comes to the matter of getting my thesis done. *sigh* I don’t see why I am complaining here now when it is clear that these things that I am complaining about is as a matter of fact a necessity. Ramblings... now there’s a reason.

Today I had lunch with Luqman. I was on the cross trainer when he called asking if I could join him for lunch. I jumped at the invitation as I was am in dire need of some company. For some weird reason the plentiful company that I already have doesn’t suffice. Boy what a bitch I have grown to be... I guess the type of company matters too. This meanie issue also knocks me out of balance. *sigh* You know I haven’t sighed this much in a long time. I guess I am the type to cling and dwell on something. I just can’t seem to let go.


sometimes I feel like screaming...

I don’t know what else to write...

I guess I’ll just quit when I am ahead and say Good night

Bless...

~ShaZ

wHeRe's mY sHouLdEr tO cRy oN?!

Hey Boo,

Today was a horrible day for me... hangs on... it’s 2 am already... well... yesterday then...

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I was taught a lesson: no matter how much you tell yourself you’re not going to care, you just can’t help it if you do. You can’t help how you feel... nor can control how your body reacts... or even how you react for that matter.

I thought it’d just be like any other day for me at the Department. I had purposely driven up to the Department because they started implementing the access card system at the parking block. I didn’t see the point of paying RM50 for what few days in the semester we have left. Anyway, as usual I had these little errands that just pops up in the Lab. So I saw to them one by one. It started out as a good day really... aside from the traffic being really bad it wasn’t a bad start at all.

And then there was X... henceforth known as meanie

At the very sight my body started to have this reaction... it was a mixture of stomach butterflies, anger, sadness, shivers and hope all stirred up which resulted into an immediate stiffness of the body which ultimately translates into a blue-red-flushed-faced robot-like-walking lil’ ole’ me... I cursed myself afterward for having behaved like that; even though it wasn’t voluntary at all.
So that was the end of what might have turned out to be a good day. I was forcibly switched into zombie mode. Well, I kept busy all day to distract myself. I had no one to turn to... no one to talk to... no shoulder to cry on...


... where’s my shoulder to cry on?!

Then came MSO... my sweet dear MSO... well I did see SI first. But SI made it clear he’d have none of this nonsense from me for someone something so f0ckingly worthless. So MSO is basically my symbol of hope when it comes to emotional blunders. MSO would say ”... do it for me...” and for some reason I found it easier to focus and cling on to something for MSO than for me... I can’t do it for me... I don’t know why... or maybe I do... I guess maybe I am just not worth it to me... Yeah... that’s probably the reason...

OMG it’s 3 am already... I should go to bed... got an appointment with Nora tomorrow... my new PT.

Maybe I can hope for a better day tomorrow. Oh dear God give me strength...

Bless...

~ShaZ

iNsPiRaTioN...

MSO has inspired me to write again... dear sweet MSO...

wHy oH wHy?

Hey Boo,

Today turned out quite well for me... I managed to haul myself to the gym and managed to get some work done afterward...

I met my Personal Trainer to be... Nora... she’s young but easy to get along with... they all are actually... but I am going to give it a go anyways... I really do need to lose those pounds... today I weighed 86kgs! Or at least that’s what the scale shows. Much work to be done... enough said.



much much much work to be done...

...

...

...

Hmmmm...

...

You know something Boo...?!

These past few days I can’t get my mind of X... everything I see that reminds me of X stresses me out... as if the thought of X drains me of my energy. I know it’s happening... but I just don’t know why...

Why me?

Why now?

Why ever?

Why does it affect me so?

I am doing that talking to myself thing again Boo... I was telling myself yesterday how stupid I was for letting this happen... for thinking too much of it... of X... this is wrong... so wrong... I should stop!

...

Damn I could use a venti hazelnut hot chocolate now... damn X...



Why? Why? Why? Oh why do I feel like I don’t want to be free from X...


Maybe it’s the damned I care problem...

I should stop... yeah you probably should bitch...

Bless...

~ShaZ

PiCKinG uP wHeRe yOu LeFt oFF...

Hey Boo,

Picking up where you left off is not so easy... especially with blogging... you just don’t keep the pace if you don’t practice. I remember that I used to be able to cough out a post every single day... and I just wrote about nothing... about everything... but now... it’s just becoming more and more difficult... but some people say that old habits die hard... so I guess I’ll cling on to that. After all it just requires practice.

You know what..?! This is exactly how it is with my thesis as well... you know when I get started it becomes easier... but getting started... well... getting started is always a bitch...

And the bitch gets bigger and bigger each day... and before you realise it you’re already in deep shit trouble! You wake up feeling confused and angry; and stupid; and all things not nice.



Damn it! Where did I go wrong?! Why had I left writing my thesis pending too long... why didn’t I prioritise? Why? Why? Why?

*sigh*

So...

My baby is coming... Faridah is due next month. The doctor says it will be some time around 14th March; but her feet is often swollen and stuff which is a sign that it is close I was told; so I guess we could expect anything at this point in time. Well... at least the shopping part is done and over. So as far as requisites in terms of supplies I am somewhat ready. Although I need to get the baby cot out of the storeroom so I could air out the thing... mentally I am taking this one day at a time... excited... but one day at a time I keep telling myself. I am still trying to get used to husband-hood and now I have to get into father-hood pulak... one day at a time...

Well... on another note. She’s still nagging me every day to get our own place... I don’t understand why is it so difficult for her to understand my situation... or her refusal to understand. I guess when I told her to dream on she thought I was kidding... but I don’t understand why and don’t know how much more I could actually take... much more I suppose... but sometimes... I ask myself “what did I ever do to have to (take it)”... I shouldn’t say anymore... *sigh*

Bless...

~ShaZ

FaCeBooK

Hey Boo,

I have just added this blog to the notes function on FB... Evidently all my posts will appear on my profile on FB... the import was smooth and easy... all I had to do was key in the URL and all my previous posts were imported onto the notes function... easy peasy... the only thing is... do I really want this much exposure...?! Another point worth mentioning is: there is NO undo function! Haha...

So, the first thing that comes to mind was: OMG, there goes my privacy...

Then, I thought: Who the hell will bother with my lengthy and boring posts..?!

No one... that’s who... so all in all I guess it’s not that bad.

... relieved...



Maybe this will give me some motivation to pick up blogging again... I also need to look into recovering my old posts lost to that WordPress ordeal...

Bless...

~ShaZ