wHeRe's mY sHouLdEr tO cRy oN?!

Hey Boo,

Today was a horrible day for me... hangs on... it’s 2 am already... well... yesterday then...

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I was taught a lesson: no matter how much you tell yourself you’re not going to care, you just can’t help it if you do. You can’t help how you feel... nor can control how your body reacts... or even how you react for that matter.

I thought it’d just be like any other day for me at the Department. I had purposely driven up to the Department because they started implementing the access card system at the parking block. I didn’t see the point of paying RM50 for what few days in the semester we have left. Anyway, as usual I had these little errands that just pops up in the Lab. So I saw to them one by one. It started out as a good day really... aside from the traffic being really bad it wasn’t a bad start at all.

And then there was X... henceforth known as meanie

At the very sight my body started to have this reaction... it was a mixture of stomach butterflies, anger, sadness, shivers and hope all stirred up which resulted into an immediate stiffness of the body which ultimately translates into a blue-red-flushed-faced robot-like-walking lil’ ole’ me... I cursed myself afterward for having behaved like that; even though it wasn’t voluntary at all.
So that was the end of what might have turned out to be a good day. I was forcibly switched into zombie mode. Well, I kept busy all day to distract myself. I had no one to turn to... no one to talk to... no shoulder to cry on...


... where’s my shoulder to cry on?!

Then came MSO... my sweet dear MSO... well I did see SI first. But SI made it clear he’d have none of this nonsense from me for someone something so f0ckingly worthless. So MSO is basically my symbol of hope when it comes to emotional blunders. MSO would say ”... do it for me...” and for some reason I found it easier to focus and cling on to something for MSO than for me... I can’t do it for me... I don’t know why... or maybe I do... I guess maybe I am just not worth it to me... Yeah... that’s probably the reason...

OMG it’s 3 am already... I should go to bed... got an appointment with Nora tomorrow... my new PT.

Maybe I can hope for a better day tomorrow. Oh dear God give me strength...

Bless...

~ShaZ